The PGA Merchandise Show is a golf circus with jugglers, acrobats, short men on stilts, lots of clowns and a few freaks.
One of the freak acts this week in Orlando was John Daly Pizza -- an earnest effort by a New York man to franchise out on-course pizza products donning the name of the two-time major winner and yo-yo dieter. The easy joke: Grip it and eat it. The thinking man's burn: Every pizza comes with a Diet Coke and a pack of Marlboros. But I digress. The stuff was delicious.
Of course, John Daly Pizza is inherently funny and ridiculous, but it's hard not to dig deeper and wonder how some of Daly's peers might be able to put their names to work on some killer franchise ideas you'll hear about on the few SiriusXM channels that do air commercials. (Looking at you, ESPN Radio.) So, here we go, and we're sorry.
Paula's Creamery -- This is the most obvious one, in my view. The 2010 U.S. Women's Open champion and recently betrothed is known as for her affinity for the color pink, which just so happens to look great on a cupcake or in ice cream. Hook 'em into the shop with some pink, candy cotton ice cream and maybe top each sundae with a Bridgestone golf ball. I guess Bubba Watson could be in on it, too.
Phil Mickelson Jam -- Refer to The Acronym We Don't Use on This Website, and I think you'll see where I'm going with Lefty taking on the Smuckers family. Or the Newton family?
Fred Couples Smoothies -- The '92 Masters champion is the coolest guy in golf and smoothies are still pretty awesome, so down some blended goodness concocted by the recent Hall of Fame. Your swing could, too, become as rhythmic as Couples'. Ernie Els could be a partner and offer the king-sized Big Easy smoothie.
Gary Player Coffee -- If you told me that I could do as many sit-ups at 30 as Player does everyday in his 70s by swigging some of his cafe, I'd be in on that. He probably drinks his coffee -- if at all, because it's probably bad for us -- all black.
Juli Inkster Donuts -- Rules of Golf Burn!
And, while we're on a roll, we'll close out with some quick-hit suggestions on other products:
- Steve Williams chest rub
- Jason Dufner wall mattresses
- Steve Elkington duck tape
- Charley Hoffman super glue