In the all-time classic "The Simpsons" episode, "Homer at the Bat," Springfield nuclear power plant magnate C. Montgomery Burns takes the role of helicopter investor in his plant's softball team. He buys the services of a slew of 1990s MLB stars to dominate the local slow-pitch beer league.
Perhaps that's where Jim Justice got the idea to indirectly pay players to show up to his outstanding resort this week for The Greenbrier Classic.
Reports suggest Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson were both paid seven-figure sums to show up and compete. Both missed the cut. Frankly, paying players to show happens everywhere else in the world, so it's not an ethical problem.
Despite a poor return on investment, it got GNN thinking who would make up Justice's bought interclub team to dominate the West Virginia scene.
Clearly, Tiger Woods is Darryl Strawberry. Bought to hit dingers on command. The comparison falls apart at the end because Strawberry was the lone player to survive the night of calamity before the championship game.
Phil is Don Mattingly. Burns hassled Mattingly to cut his sideburns. Justice would get on Phil to cut his hair.
U.S. Open champion and 36-hole leader Webb Simpson is Homer - a very good yet unheralded and overshadowed player compared to the megastars surrounding him.
A reader on Twitter suggested David Duval would be Ozzie Smith, because he disappeared in the House of Mystery.